Sometimes, Like Today

Summer is here. I am unsettled about this year’s arrival.  A three-month calendar without a single set of X’s or arrows sits in my office. No volleyball here to there, no reunion this to that, no trip to CA, no beach, no camping, not even work work work. No blotches of ink anywhere. I have all the time in the world to do anything I want and yet, no desire to do it.  I could use money as my scapegoat (or rather lack thereof) but the truth is, I feel lost. And no worldly thing can fill this void.

My life is full of constant flipping and flopping; a giant handful of variables that seem to get jumbled like a giant Rubik’s Cube. One variable changes and everything gets jumbled up, seems impossible to ever piece back together. I never could figure those things out.

Instead of a silly toy that I can stuff in a drawer when I’ve grown tired of trying, I’m handling the fragile fragments of my life. And while I may not know how to sort it all out, it’s not going to piece itself back together. Days, holidays, and seasons could pass but that colorful jumbled mess will look the same as it did when I left it. After every rested break comes an enthusiastic and determined attempt. This will be the time. I can figure this out! A few good strokes and suddenly a glimpse of resolve, progress in the right direction…that dissipates a few strokes more. To keep spinning round in circles seems pointless. Even to go back is impossible.

Before long three options seem to present themselves. Stop once more and try again later, hand it over to someone who knows how to do it, or learn to love the disruptive pattern. On days like today, I feel like handing it over.